A ‘Percy Long Prong’ calling card offering sex for 10 shillings an hour with ‘bubble shake,’ whips and ‘french ticklers’ as extras has been found underneath the floorboards of a house

Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan said on Thursday that any attack on a Turkish ship exploring for oil and gas in disputed Mediterranean waters would incur a “high price” and suggested Turkey had already acted on that warning.

The German armies paraded and marched ‘The Goose Step’, with a bucket of feed in each hand that style of walking/marching is the only way to stop Lionel getting in close and ‘goosing’ you, although Lionel’s ambitions are to destroy you and not get a cheap thril It is only when you live in close proximity (note I did not say harmony) with an over sexed gander that you begin to understand how a number of every day expressions came to exist.

Now that I have ‘set the scene’ it is time to focus on the main reason for this little tale, Lionel is the star, and as I type, its just started raining, I can hear Lionel honking and complaining about something in the garden. He now rules the roost, he has bullied and bitten into submission my wife, my children (except Madison, she is not afraid of any animal other than Ross the testosterone saturated billy goat), and all other garden occupants. So, the scene is set, with the exception of my oldest daughter and myself, all garden users watch out for Lionel. Anyway Lionel has begun to be a problem, my aged Cocker Spaniel ‘Chance’ now often regards the garden as a ‘no-go’ area and call girls stays trapped behind his dog flap, no accidents so far, but! Our secret weapon against Lionel is ‘Maisy Muffin’ our tiny Jack Russell bitch, she cannot wait to get out there, run round him and leave a mouthful of tail feathers on the lawn as flightless Lionel rushes off and attempts to impersonate a Howard Hughes prototype, unsuccessfully. Dave does not know this and tries to give herself a bath throughout Lionel’s increasingly desperate amorous forepla Amidst all this Lionel gently tries to guide Dave (Davina) to the old paddling pool for reasons that we do not discuss with the children, but Geese are keen on doing it in water. All fuelled by fear except Maisy, who is fuelled by a sense of adventure, mind you if he ever gets hold of her it might be a different story. He remains fairly tolerant of me although I have felt his powerful beak squeezing the life out of my expensive French Wellingtons (can you say that, what would the Iron Duke think, and anyway on some level that must almost be an oxymoron). Dougal the younger spaniel still braves confrontations with Lionel, but his yelps are a mixture of pain and fear.

In the field there are two established families of geese, Hissing Sid and his two ladies and another group, without names, 7 of them who inhabit the large field ark. The two field groups had entrenched alpha males both of whom sent our poor young goose packing. After a few days he was looking very forlorn, so we brought him into the garden to be company for blind Dave (Davina) who is also a goose and call girls a permanent resident in the garden. As a ‘tribe’ they were put into our adjacent field with all the other livestock. On top of all this one of our pygmy goats gave birth to twins. Add a very wet few weeks and our small patch of lawn becomes a muddy patch that as the winter progresses becomes muddier and muddier. This little tribe stayed together in the garden, the lone goose obviously thinking he was just a big duck, but there comes a time when the goose will not go through the same holes as his ‘sibling’ adolescent ducks. Now our small garden is home for two geese, and a bunch of ducks, a number of chickens who cannot survive the cut and thrust of the field. The ducks integrated but our lone goose, struggling to carry on playing the role of giant duck could not keep up and he was left behind to fend for himself. We did not name him Stupid and he does not deserve that name, ‘Opportunistically Cunning’ would be a more accurate name, but he answers to ‘Stupid’. Try as he might our lone ex-duck garden goose could not join a group. The official garden crew live in the garage part of the kids old Wendy House. There are occasional visitors, Stupid the cockerel will jump over the fence if Starlight the main garden cockerel lets one of his tasty young hens roam on her own too near the fence, but that’s another story. We have tried to make the perimeter livestock proof but all it achieves is that field livestock break-in and either will not or cannot escape, it’s like a one way valve and gradually our field empties and out garden fill u

Former Ipswich mayor Paul Pisasale wanted to help the “beautiful people” of his city but now has admitted sexually assaulting a woman in council chambers, official corruption and unlawful drug possession.

Disputes have ranged from boundaries of offshore continental shelves and airspace to the ethnically split island of Cyprus. Greece and Turkey are allies in NATO but their relations have long been fraught with tension.

They have learnt how to live with us, there is much to learn for us. Their emotions are rarely false and the entertainment they offer is greated than any Internet porin As I enter the late evening of my life (I am 72) I find that there is much to learn from domestic animals.

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